Sojourners_Hymn's Xanga

Monday, September 29, 2008

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 20:12:18 GMT

As an effort to ease the return to blogging, a few things post.

- Fall is here. I love everything about fall. The lightness that is being outside, the rush of going for a drive with the windows down and being able to enjoy it, getting more energy from stepping outside instead of being defeated by it. The greens enliven, the blue sky rich with fullness, and the yellows and a few reds creep their way into being. Stoplights become a moment to rest instead of just being a delay. Maybe it's just me, but there is something joyful about surpassing the oppression of the summer sun. I love it. Almost as much as I love the next season around the corner.

- Fall is here, and with it the return of all things pumpkin. Pumpkin is a brilliant sensory experience - the color, the look, the taste, the smell, the richness. It can make a day go from exhausting to comforting, a great day even better. Pumpkin Spice Lattes, Pumpkin bread, Pumpkin oatmeal in the morning (try it sometime, no joke), and I even found a limited edition Ben & Jerry's Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream two days ago. I can't help myself.

- My job is getting more and more comfortable to me. I know most of the basic skills that I need at this point, though there is still much to learn. I can honestly say that I enjoy it. Some days 10 hours is more than a little stressful, but it has been very rare when I have had a truly bad day, and I can't be thankful enough for that. There are many things about it that have stretched me, are stretching me, and things that I bring to it as well, all of which is a good thing. I really like most of my coworkers, too.

- I am finding that the longer I am away from Waco the more I miss it. I don't know if it is just the fact that I am mostly settled in now that I am finally able to process the life change, or if it is just that over time I slowly feel more and more distance. Either way, the void has been particularly engaging lately. Even the layout in Target here bothers me, because it is opposite from the Target in Waco.

- I signed up for a CCEF class that runs from October 1st - Jan 21st, called Dynamics of Spiritual Change. I am really excited about it, and think that though it will make a busy person busier, it will be more than worth my time spent.

- Has anyone heard the new Sandra McCracken cd? I just got it in the mail, and can't wait to become familiar with it.

- Oh! I also just bought a new hymnal at Lifeway - the Worship Hymnal. I am finding a bunch of great songs in it - rich in content, as well as enjoyable melodies. There is a fair share of vacuous content, but all in all, a great addition to my church music bookshelf.

Well, it's a start.

Working at Working

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 02:48:02 GMT

I'm really glad that Adam worked before the fall.

The bad parts of work come after the fall, of course, but I am really thankful that we'll be working in heaven.

So far I've spent two weeks working at working: doing nothing but looking for jobs. There have been moments where I was resting in God's sovereignty in a real sense. Then there was that moment where I got off the phone and found that I didn't get an interview to that job at which I felt like I had a real shot. I paced for a few minutes, sat down at the piano, played for about two minutes, then threw the book against the wall. The far wall. And it hit the wall pretty well, even though the wall wasn't near the piano. I am really glad that my justification is not based on my sanctification.

God has provided for me. Not yet with a job, but with moments where I thought I was going crazy and he calmed me down, gave me perspective, reminded me of His truth: I am in His hands. He is Jehovah Jireh - the Provider God. He is Emmanuel - God, here. Most of these reminders have come through people - a friend speaking truth in love, a brother seeking to help me when I was too frustrated to try anymore, a listener that heard not the words spoken but the heart behind the words, a word from the Word. Thank the Lord that He gives more grace. More grace than I ever see.

But it still makes me glad to think that I'll have work to do in heaven. It will be incredibly fulfilling, unbroken there. I think people need work to stay sane. Fortunately it has only been two weeks... = )

And tomorrow is the Sabbath. Not a day where I forget my troubles and pretend that I'm worthy to sing praises to God, but a day where I connect the dots. A day where I bring myself, wherever I'm at before God, just as I am, and He comes and finds me. A day where broken people like me get put back together.

"Take, my soul, thy full salvation,
Rise o'er sin and fear and care;
Joy to find in ev'ry station
Something still to do or bear.
Think what Spirit dwells within Thee,
What a Father's smile is thine,
What a Savior died to win thee:
Child of heav'n, shouldst thou repine?"
- Henry Lyte, Jesus I My Cross Have Taken, 1824.

25

Wed, 28 May 2008 19:53:28 GMT

It wasn’t the sun that was shining when I awoke. It was the cell phone screen. And the screen wasn’t just shining. I picked up the phone.

“Joel?! Wow! Uh...
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Joel.
Happy birthday to you!”

On the third line my parents broke into a two part harmony through the rest of the song. Though the “Happy Birthday” song is not one of my favorite things, harmony is. It made it better.

Then we talked for a while: summarizing about my life (one of those things you do when you get older and need milestones to make years feel different), the church, my move to Jackson, and trying to beat unemployment, among other things.

Afterward, the house was quiet. The morning hours extended their residual dark by working up a thick grey cloud cover. Rumblings hummed in the distance. Thousands of mezzo-piano staccato intonations chanted together as the rain fell on hard and soft. Water sssssh’ed as passing cars mashed it down against the asphalt. Steam and scent permeate now as the coffee wraps up its pressured heat and filtration. Out the corners of the windows the greens look greener already. I reach for the creamer and think. The rain quickens.

I move from the oak table in the dim light. Steam eases its way up from the mug. A song has come to me, so I join Schumann to the chorus of earth and water and grey sky. As the simple, pristine fourth begins the song, “Traumerei” fills both the room and the thoughts. The real trick Schumann played on the musical world is that most every pianist can play Traumerei, but very few can actually play Traumerei. Even from a good pianist, the oft alone melody can seem rote, the chords, when they do come, had too much expectation riding on them to really resonate. My mind wanders away with the melody. I think Horowitz is one of the greatest pianists the world has known. This is no more true when he plays the Rach 3 as it is when he plays Traumerei. Just like Aunt Sharon. She could make the dullest of pieces shine like a diamond. As I reach the last line, I think, wishing I could play that last line like Horowitz did, with his whole heart in every note and chord. Subtlety. Longing. Vulnerability. Strength. Hope. It is all there. I wish I could play Traumerei like Horowitz did. Like Aunt Sharon could. But I am thankful for the moment.

Schumann’s song fades into the song of the earth. Its’ silence gives way to other voices, other expressions of subtlety. The earth is watered - even the parts of it we coated that cannot absorb this grace. It is still dim, the hallway fading into dark. Now the coffee is almost lukewarm. Today could be mistaken as a quiet day, but if you listen you actually find there are voices all around. Today is not a quiet day, but a soft-spoken day. Maybe it is more true to say that today is the sort of day that instead of it being quiet, it quiets you.

And today I am 25.

25. It is a new number to deal with. It is a year marker with different content, different connotation. But at 25, I am still me. Still me, just with a new category. I am glad that people aren’t categories. People might fall into them, but they aren’t defined by them.

The dimness and the rain continue, though the rumblings have given way. An inch of coffee remains, cooled. Thought has given way to simply being here, now.

Today is a good day.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Mon, 05 May 2008 02:21:22 GMT

Moving is part of the fall.

In heaven, there won't be a break in fellowship from people about whom you care. There relationships won't be dulled when there is distance put between people. You won't have to just hold on to memories and the good times past; you'll be able to enjoy fellowship always.

Christian fellowship is sweet (in the most basic sense of the word). Looking to Christ, walking towards the same end, living with the same hope, struggling with similar burdens, holding each other up, bearing each others' burdens, seeking God's glory unites people both quickly and truly. After only two years, leaving feels like I'm losing part of myself.

People are not meant to be alone - we thrive best in community. God designed us this way, He gave us the church. But most importantly He gave us Himself. I am so thankful that the God who spanned heaven and earth entered a virgin's womb and walked through the hurt and brokenness that is the world, lived perfectly, and died to end the separation between Him and His people. I am so thankful that His salvation ensures that this world of "severed friendships" will not have the last word, but what is for a time may be severed will be "knit up."

One day for Christians there will be no more goodbyes.

I'm just really sad that now is not that time.

"May you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Make the sound of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head."
- Patty Griffin, Nobody's Cryin'.

"So lift up your hearts to this unfolding,
all that has been broken will be restored,
Here runs deep waters to all who are thirsty,
Love has come, love has come, for you."
- Sandra McCracken, Ten Thousand Angels.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 23:45:08 GMT

I just wanted to say really quickly that I'm going to post soon. A lot has been going on (as it always seems when people drop off blogging for a while) and I've had a lot of thoughts lately, but haven't made time to assimilate them in a useful way. But hopefully I'll get to that in the next few days.

Random exit quote:

"There was some books... One was Pilgrim's Progress, about
a man that left his family, it didn't say why. I read considerable
in it now and then. The statements was interesting, but tough."

- Mark Twain, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

Behaviorism and the Gospel

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 04:16:38 GMT

"You are what you are now becoming."

A friend brought these words to me in college (I can't recall their original source). These words, a hawk cycling overhead, come to me here and there. Sometimes the distance is enough that I am unaware of its' ring, other times it seems to be cycling round my ears directly. There are days where I hate these words. When I am wise I am thankful that they stay around, serving as an eye removed from my own sight, uninfluenced by whatever I find myself reasoning, reminding me that there is more than what I want at just this moment.

But even the wise moments, I find myself a B.F. Skinner Behaviorist. "Show me the boy, and I'll show you the man," my will voices, determinedly. My will desires to shape me, uninfluenced, into whatever god-like hero it wants. Whether it be a gospel insight like Tim Keller, or a literary pen like W.B. Yeats, or a storytelling mastery like J.R.R. Tolkien, or a logic like C.S. Lewis, a compassion like Rich Mullins or Bono, maybe even piano chops like Horowitz, whatever the case my Behaviorist will seeks to add the adjective to the simile of me. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong to desire greatness?

I am not a Behaviorist. I have a will that is desperately shaped by everything other than objectivity, shaped by what I think is right, by what others want from me, what others expect of me, what I expect of me, by my God, by my idols. Changing the behavior of a man does nothing more than change the behavior of a man. If I am a passionate, emotional person, behavior can make my reactions less external, but I am still passionate and emotional. If I am a sinner at heart, behavior can change the outward expression of sin, but I am still sinful. There is something central that is missing here.

The missing center is the heart. The will operates according to the desires of the heart. I can want to change my sin because I know that sin comes between me and God and shows me that at that moment I am not believing the Gospel, and I believe the Gospel. I can also want to change my sin because it is culturally unacceptable and I care a whole lot about the way people view me, so if I change my sin, I will be viewed more positively, I will seem to be more godly, but all I have done is changed my behavior. At heart I have fed my idolatry, the fear of man/desire for acceptance and approval. Behaviorism teaches us how to adapt to our own cultures, to better function in our own spheres, but does nothing for the heart. Only the Gospel, only Christ speaks to the heart.

So when the hawk that is "You are what you are now becoming" swoops down, I learn to remind myself that I am a sinner. I have idols that can look a whole lot like godliness but are actually pleas for acceptance and approval from men and not God. I need to remember that God says something very profound in the Gospel, that it isn't at all about what I do for God that makes me accepted and approved, but it is that Jesus lived brilliantly on this earth, took the rejection, disgrace and condemnation that my sin earned, and ultimately gained my acceptance and approval for me before God and men. Because I have a right standing before God I need not fear, for I have been freed from the enslavement that is the fear of man. I am defined by God's words of me and not of what people think of me. Because I am free from my idol, I can love people without them defining my identity. See, ultimately it is the Gospel that changes behavior, because it is the Gospel that changes the heart. Inside out, not outside in.

"You are what you are now becoming."

I am a sinner saved by Christ's life, death and resurrection, learning to love for God's glory, not for my own.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 22:36:35 GMT

Some quotations I've been mulling over this Lord's day:

"[I'm not sure if this is true everywhere, but in my context] Younger people tend to be afraid of commitment, they really don't like strong authority, people who are absolutely sure what truth is. ...They don't like people who have systems and everything figured out. They do want community but actually, ironically, ...they are such radical individualists and they're so afraid of being controlled, they're so afraid of losing the right to decide what they want to do, that in spite of all the talk on community they are still quite radically individualistic." - Tim Keller.

"The Good News is packaged and marketed... as a religious product: offering "peace of mind", "how to get to heaven", "health and prosperity", "inner healing", "the answer to all your problems", etc. What is promoted as "faith in God" often turns out to be a means for obtaining emotional security or material blessing in this life and an insurance policy in the next. This kind of preaching leaves the status quo untouched. It does not raise fundamental and disturbing questions about hte assumptions upon which people build their lives. It does not threaten the false gods in whose name the creation of God has been taken over; indeed it actually reinforces their hold on their worshippers." - Vinoth Ramachandra, qtd. in A Quest for More, Paul David Tripp.

"What are the things you faithfully pursue, and what are you hoping to experience once you find them?" - Paul David Tripp.

"If true humanity is bound up in community with God and godly community with others, I will never experience it when all my eyes ever see is my own need." - Paul David Tripp.

"Most Americans believe that what their problem is, is something that has happened to them, and their solution is going to be found within. In other words, they have an alien problem that is to be resolved with an inner solution. The Gospel says that what we have is an inner problem and the only solution is an alien righteousness." - Al Mohler.

"Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus, I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless, satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings, meets, supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings: Thine is love indeed."
- Jean Pigott.

"We all have burdens, and we have a responsibility to communicate those burdens without requiring anyone to receive divine revelation in order to know what they are." - C.J. Mahaney

"Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you."
- Psalm 116:7, NIV.

A few quick things:

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 20:08:03 GMT

- I am applying to Westminster Theological Seminary in Philadelphia, PA, for their M.Div. in Counseling. I am currently working on my "Statements" - one on my "Christian Experience" and the other on "Calling." There is no specifying length on either one, which makes me the most nervous, because I have a tendency to be thorough, which at times just becomes more than needed to be included. I am still unsure if I will be going there in the fall. One of my Statements is finished, the other is in the works. I am becoming more and more excited about looking to the future, but I think that has more to do with being thankful with what God has given me for today.

- If you're a fan of the book of prayers by some of the Puritans, known as Valley of Vision, there is a cd out based on some of the prayers. It is by Sovereign Grace Music, from Sovereign Grace Ministries. The music at times sounds more like praise music than I'm used to, but if I am honest, the problem lay more with the content than the sound. As well, some of the songs are great. And for February it (and other Sovereign Grace cds) is on sale for $6 and no shipping costs. I also picked up The Cross Centered Life, a cd based on the book by C.J. Mahaney. Are we Refomed people more stuck on the words of our songs, or does it end up subversively coming back to the sound? Is it both music and words? If so, what aspects of the music are important? What content needs to be included? Everyone has an opinion about music, but at the same time it is also one of the most subjectively held standards around. Preferences are fine, but it is good to think through questions from time to time, or even for the first time.

- I re-budgeted last week. I am excited about the prospects.

- "C.S. Lewis once defined an unliterary person as 'one who reads books once only.'" (Eugene Peterson, Take and Read, Introduction.) I want to be a literary person.

- I have been using the German prefix "uber" a lot lately. I find it bizarre to hear it come out of my mouth when it does, and the frequency at which it has been coming, especially in public, has me pretty confused indeed. Just wanted to share my feelings a bit...

- ETC'ers - an Emma Thompson from the early 90's was just released on dvd, called Peter's Friends. I am part way through it right now. The plot so far is that a bunch of old friends are getting together for a weekend at Peter's house, hence the "Peter" in the title "Peter's Friends." And guess what I've learned so far... Emma can sing. No joke. And not just sing, but harmonize. She harmonizes around the piano with some random girl on the song "Just the Way You Look Tonight." I don't recommend the movie any further than that, as I haven't finished it, but whoa.

- My thoughts have been about a lot of what I have already included, but on a broader scale: my Christian Experience; my sense of Calling; Hymns and songs, their content and music, the way the two work together to make one whole; desiring to turn to God, to remember His attributes and character in the face of my often averse feelings; growing in my grasp of His work, His benefits; His glory. It is a pretty broad thought, and at the best of times it has been specifically rendered. I'll keep thinking, and maybe put it down soon.

- Postmodernism invading academia is frustrating me greatly the more and more I see and hear about it. How can a teacher say that there are no right answers, no ultimate truth, but then hand a student a 76 grade? Education by its' very nature cannot be consistent with postmodernism unless it makes itself into an exercise in futility, students "blowing in the wind," as Dylan wrote, but in a very different context. I hate it most of all because some students actually realize that they are exercising futility, and in essence jumping through loops until they can get a job earning money but doing something that is ultimately worthless. Then postmodernism is fulfilling its' logical conclusion - leading people to a hopeless, purposeless existence where there is no overarching truth, no noble thing for which to live or pursue.

- I'll end with a song from the Valley of Vision cd. Or at least the words. Rest in truth today, in Christ.

"Before the cross I kneel and see
The measure of my sin -
How You became a curse for me
Though You were innocent.
The magnitude of Your great love
Was shown in full degree
When righteous blood, the crimson spill
Rained down from Calvary.

Oh, the precious blood
that flowed from Mercy's side
Washed away my sin
When Christ my Savior died.
Oh, the precious blood
Of Christ the crucified -
It speaks for me before Your throne
Where I stand justified.

And who am I that I should know
This treasure of such worth?
My Savior's pure atoning blood
Shed for the wrath I'd earned.
For sin has stained my every deed,
My every word and thought.
What wondrous love that makes me one
Your priceless blood has bought!

Oh, the precious blood
that flowed from Mercy's side
Washed away my sin
When Christ my Savior died.
Oh, the precious blood
Of Christ the crucified -
It speaks for me before Your throne
Where I stand justified."

- Peter Gagnon, 2005. Sovereign Grace Worship. Based on "The Precious Blood."

A Little Sunshine in My Day

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 22:48:41 GMT

So I pulled in to the grocery store parking lot and a thirty-something lady jumped out of her van as I simultaneously climbed out of my Mazda. She looked at my eyes, smiled, and busted into song, right there, looking straight at me. I don't remember a single word, but I haven't laughed so hard in weeks.

Then she said, "Man! That Good Charlotte song... MAN! I mean, that's a tune. That's a TUNE tune!"

I smiled and told her I had never had the privilege of hearing it. I hadn't, but actually I just wanted to hear her sing it again. She was a dark redhead and belted with a country gravel all the way from the car through the fruits and vegetables.

I told her that I was happy I had parked next to her.

She laughed. "I like a little sunshine in my days. I gotta go get some food down my kids. I better not get anything healthy..."

People are pretty great.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 21:43:02 GMT

Can I say something a bit out of the vein of my typical subject matter?

I am really thankful for Ron Paul. I feel like for the first time I can vote for someone without having to settle for the less worse of two candidates. For the first time I can remember, there is a candidate who is for the keeping of the Constitution without just paying lip service to it. He believes "the Constitution was written to restrain the government, not to restrain the people."

He is a master of Economics and wants to do something about the dollar's value plummeting by going back to having something tangibly valuable behind the dollar amount (gold, silver, other metal).

He wants to lower taxes across the boards, but wants to wipe it out for working seniors and on social security, on savings and capital gains and tips, that people would unreservedly gain from their efforts to make money. He wants to end Inflation tax.

He is an M.D. and wants the government out of Medicine because, with the government's greater and greater involvement, prices for meds have skyrocketed.

He wants parents in control of their children's education.

He has actual plans as to how he would carry out his changes.

Where he gets very different from republicans is that he wants small government. He wants to drastically change government spending, which is as unlimited as the Federal Reserve can print the stuff up. He wants to get government out of the parts of life that we can handle quite well.

He is against the Patriot Act, because it contradicts the Constitution.

He wants troops out of Iraq, because being there is against the Constitution. We haven't declared war, and the Constitution keeps us from invading without a declaration of war. He wants to pursue Bin Laden because he was the one that attacked us. He doesn't want to sacrifice any more lives being somewhere we're not wanted and just aggravating foreign relations. In his own words:

"As if a national debt topping $9 trillion is not bad enough, each day this war is fought, deficit spending increases. To avoid raising taxes and the subsequent anger that would follow come election time, the federal government will continue to borrow money from countries like Saudi Arabia and China, making your children and grandchildren’s futures dependent on the actions of other nations and selling out our national security to the highest bidder. Make no mistake, as Congress spends more and more, there will be less and less to fund Social Security and Medicare, the programs Washington has made us dependent on, without a massive tax increase."

He wants to draft a much more specific Foreign Policy, which a better one could have guided us better through these last few years.

He isn't pretending that America is in a state of brilliance right now, but sees a way to get back on track.

He is the first candidate that doesn't fit into a Republican/Democrat box, which is probably why the media has avoided even mentioning him in any press, as well as letting him speak at debates. But somehow he is still around, even past Guilliani.

I don't think he will win the Election, but I want to vote for someone I could get and remain behind. I want to vote for someone who is more about his message than himself, more about his record and what he can do for good than for his own gain. I want to encourage candidates of quality to continue to run, and even if it isn't this year that they get into office, maybe some time in the future someone will see that if Paul could get this far, maybe they could get as far too. Maybe, eventually, the country might get out of the Republican/Democrat boxes of political correctness, much based on pride and arrogance, and get back to thinking how we can grow, succeed, develop. I know that he wouldn't solve everything. No one can do that. But I would rather vote for the most qualified leader available, even if he isn't likely to pull it out.

If we keep voting for the less worse candidates, we'll continue to get the less worse candidates. I'd rather not, given the opportunity.

Ron Paul

And I think that's about as much political thinking as I can take. = )